


Rainbows After Rain

by fefetama (CreepingCatalyst)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Cutting, Eventual JohnKat, Fluff and Angst, Just wait for it, M/M, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, School, dead guardians, idk - Freeform, john centric, poor cuties, tw self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-12-18
Updated: 2013-07-19
Packaged: 2018-01-02 22:44:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1062540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreepingCatalyst/pseuds/fefetama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the game is won, everything goes back pretty much exactly the way it was. John has to keep going with his boring school life with nobody there for him. Everyone else seems to be up to new things, John is stuck in a horrible rut. (RATED MATURE AS A CAUTIONARY THING. TW: Self harm, TW: Suicide.)</p><p>(Posted first on ff.net as fefetama/insertrandomname.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

_**Rainbows After Rain** _

It's another normal day for John Egbert, which includes being bored and feeling negative emotions. That's pretty much the sum of it. The game had ended during the Summer and everything was surprisingly exactly the way it was before... except the dead were not brought back...

Every day melts into the others when it comes to John's school life. If a day stood out, it was an especially bad day. He never had many friends outside of his internet friends. The friend he hangs out with most is Willy, a boy who is kind of a trouble magnet. If you hang out with Willy, you're pretty much guaranteed to be teased. It's not that the boy was any more nerdy than any other loner, he was probably just the biggest target. Everyone was used to picking on him.

The thing about it is, Willy doesn't care that much. At home, his life is basically perfect. Willy's parents are basically the perfect parents, and they're rich as hell. Even though Willy is nice, he gets whatever he wants whenever he wants it.

There's not even the part where the rich kid never sees his parents because his mom only has a part-time job and his dad works for the government with regular hours. The real reason they're so rich is because His dad invested in a lot of stocks that have gone really well so they don't even need to pay those taxes and stuff.

At least, that's Willy's explanation whenever John asks him questions about his money or parents.

Today is just another day. It's lunch time and John is sitting in a corner with Willy. They have their Nintendos out and are playing Pokemon. They get teased a little sometimes for it, but they like video games like that. John knows that he'll be picked on if he hangs around Willy, but he doesn't care.

The two 14-year-olds had first met a little less than a year ago when they were in middle school.

John had done his best to stay inconspicuous and hidden from people's eyes. Ever since he was a kid his friends had come and gone and he finally decided to be alone. He wouldn't be able to stand joining the nerds group, who were the only ones left, those people got 80% of the popular and wannabe's constant bashing. He thought he would rather be alone.

That day, the popular kids in his FACs class had turned their abuse towards him. It didn't happen that often but he sure didn't appreciate when it did.

The period had just started, period 6. The teacher began to talk to the students about the importance of cleanliness when cooking. As usual, the students socialized and paid little attention to the teacher's babbling. The teacher gave not one fuck.

One of the popular boys that was always annoying him was Ian. Ian was a heavyset football-player kind of guy. He liked to make stupid remarks and entertain everyone with them. These remarks were usually about any poor loner who found themselves situated near him.

The worst part about the whole thing is that it's everyone against one. This is what happened to John that day.

John was trying his best to pay attention to the Teacher's drawl, but began to doze off on his binder. The other kids in the class had been happily chatting away as usual until they noticed John "asleep". They began to laugh and throw things at him and when John's head shot up, they laughed harder and continued.

He wasn't going to throw shit back at them so he just glared at his binder, waiting for them to stop. They called him names and threw erasers and paper. The familiar feeling in his stomach made him sweat. The negative feeling that can't really be described that happens when you're being teased and ganged up on.

Someone walked in late, Willy. He walked up to the teacher, with his note, up front and went to pick a seat. There were assigned seats but nobody cared about them, not even the teacher. You have to wonder why she even bothered with anything.

The late student paused, then walked right through the line of fire, plopping down loudly right next to John. John looked up at the other boy, wondering what the hell he was doing. Drawing attention to yourself? It's unheard of. Sticking your neck out for your friends? It isn't done in the jungle called school. Sticking your neck out for someone you don't even know? It doesn't even exist.

John's internet friends were his only friends, and even they weren't really there until Sburb. He would feel confident in them except that they talked to him less and less on PesterChum. They must have found other friends and ways to occupy their time while he stayed alone. It's okay though, other people's gain is not his misfortune, right?

The blue-eyed boy looked at the newcomer questioningly. Willy just smiled and took out a sheet of blank lined paper.

He passed the note to John. There was something written on it.

_Hi I'm Willy :)_

John remembered this as he put down the DS on his lap to eat his sandwhich. He glanced over at his friend who was still happily playing Pokemon. That boy was so care-free and happy all the time.

John sighed and slid down the wall that was supporting his back until he was slouching more. He silently wishes he was at home. But then what would he do? Dave is never online anymore, and Rose and Jade are great and all but they tend to ramble on about weird stuff all the time. He knows that he babbles a lot himself, but those girls were a tiny bit different. The trolls were also good, but they seemed to be more distracted now that the game was over and done with.

 _They probably don't care about us anymore_ John thought, staring at the ceiling. _Being alone is just what I do._

The bell rang. He put his DS away in his pocket and packed his lunch up. He trudged to his locker to continue through the rest of the boring day. At home he would pester Jade and the others, but he just had to wait.

Another class period of Hell.


	2. Dark Clouds

John walks in the classroom, one of the first there as usual. He sits down and takes out his left earbud, so the stupid teacher can't see. She's really dumb, if you don't have your player in plain sight, she doesn't notice. It's actually mind-boggling. And it can't be that she doesn't care because if you keep it in plain sight she tells you to take it out and put it away.

John sighs as he thinks about how stupid everyone is. He slumps, looking through his playlist under the desk.

Another 45 minutes of a boring class. This one happens to be the least favorite of his. In fact, he hates it with a burning passion. His teacher is way too oblivious and stupid, and she is so fucking happy and naive all the time.

The bell rings after a couple minutes of zoning out. The usual assholes surround John like every other day. It's almost as if the game never happened.

Actually if it weren't for the absence of his dad and the presence of the trolls in his contacts, it would be pretty much exactly like that.

The teacher begins her ranting and students were told to copy the notes. Just like every day. Then later there's an 80% chance that she'll make them get into partner groups for the last half of class. John doesn't work well with other people. People don't work well with him. It's just a mutual agreement that everyone minds their own business and hangs out with their own friends regardless of directions. Of course, John doesn't have anyone he knows in History class period 5.

He doesn't know anyone in any of his classes.

Sure enough, the teacher tells them to get into their groups. "No clusters. Only groups of two."

Like always people make excuses like "she asked me how to do this question" and shit like that. The teacher totally buys it.

A group of popular people swarm around him and want his seat. He's tired and doesn't take _all_ of their bullshit. John stands up for himself someetimes, besides it's a seat, who cares. They can pull some chair over.

"I said move, asshole," One of them snaps.

"Nope," He replys simply, putting his head down on his binder.

Another one joins in. "Go the fuck away, bitch."

"Nope," He repeats.

They debate loudly how they would get John to move.

"Hit him, even though he's a girl."

"Nah, just shove the desk."

One of them shoves his desk forward from behind. John's head shoots up and he glares at the one responsible.

"Eww don't push him towards me," The one in front says, pushing him in a different direction. After few seconds of being jerked around, he snaps.

"I will stab you in the chest," He hisses at them, violently replacing his desk.

Usually John wouldn't say that to anyone but he is so tired of life's pure bullshit, and let's face it they deserve it.

He angrily puts his head back down. After minutes of recieving jeers and being poked, he finally gets smacked with something. He glares at them and grabs one of their notebooks, whipping it over a couple desks.

The owner of the notebook gets up angrily and yells more.

The teacher also gets up and asks what happened and why they aren't in partner groups.

The popular assholes are quick to tell how John had thrown the kid's papers.

The teacher calls John and two of the assholes into the hallway where she asks John why he had thrown the other kid's notebook.

After a pause, the feeling of being in trouble and being hated wells up and courses through him. "I felt like it," He says with quiet rage.

"You have a two-hour detention and a referral. Go back inside," She says.

John trudges back in the room, taking his iPod back out of his pocket, not caring about hiding it anymore. There's less than ten minutes of class left and he just couldn't give a shit any longer. He finds his binder open on the floor with papers scattered everywhere. He sits down and keeps calm, playing on a song he likes, not giving them the satisfaction of watching him pick up all the shit.

After a minute or so, the teacher and the two boys return. The teacher goes back to her desk and the two boys come back. They make snide remarks and jokes about John. Everyone seems to be giggling. Everyone is against him. He's the idiot, and the center of attention.

He ignores the ruckus as best he can, but when he looks up, the teacher is standing there with her hand out.

"Give me the iPod, it's going to the office."

John let out a frusterated breath and pulled out his earbuds, handing his player to her. He leans back and closes his eyes, waiting for class to end.

The bell finally rings and everybody leaves. John slowly picks up his belongings, fixing them as best he can. He makes his way to his locker where a happy-as-ever Willy nearly runs into him.

"Hi!" He says, enthusiastic as always.

"Hi," John smiled at him.

Willy moved on and John's false smile faded away. He packed his backpack and headed for last period. _All he could think was Can I just die. Can I just curl up and disappear now. Nobody would care. Can I just die already._

He weaved around people in the halls, thinking with his quiet sadness and pain. The pain of being alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Another chapter is finisheeeed and I hope you like it :) Leave comments suggestions and stuff in a review or PM me! I know it's short these chapters will be super short because I also have to work on my other fic, but if you leave your suggestions in the reviews I will take them into consideration. For example, if you wouldn't mind it taking longer to update, I could make the chapters longer. So yeah.
> 
> Anyway byyyyyyyyee! :3


	3. Traces of Thunder

John throws his bag to the side, as usual, key clacking on the tile floor of his house. He trudges to his room to check is PesterChum account. He sighs, closing his eyes as he sits in his old swivel chair.

Opening them again, he sees one blinking name. gardenGnostic.

He clicks the name and the chat window pops up with a new message.

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 15:02

GG: hey are you home yet!

EB: oh hey

GG: hi! long time no see, you should get a webcam so we can talk!

EB: but we could just talk on the phone

GG: but I want to see you like in person!

EB: i probably shouldnt be buying random crap with the money i have left

GG: It's not random crap! fine ill get it for you as an early birthday present

EB: my birthday isnt even close

GG: who cares, im sending it so you get it soon. rose is excited too so im doing the fast delivery

EB: that doesnt sound like her

GG: i know

GG: but if she actually is somewhat excited then it must be pretty important

EB: i guess

GG: anyway whats up :)

EB: nothing really just the usual

GG: oh thats cool, same with me but im thinking of moving away from the island

EB: :o really

GG: yeah, im thinking i should get around to more exciting things

GG: like meeting new people!

EB: wow

EB: but what if CPS finds out you dont have parents or anything

GG: i dont know, what about you

EB: they dont know about me, at least not yet

EB: im doing a pretty good job of keeping it to myself

GG: true, those orphanage places seem pretty horrible to me at least from movies and stuff

EB: yeah besides its not like we cant do well on our own

GG: yeah look at you! youve been living on your own for half a year with no probelms

GG: i mean not that thats a good thing but its impressive all the same

EB: yeah

GG: are you okay :(

EB: yeah

GG: really?

EB: yeah dont worry, im totally cool :)

GG: cool B)

EB: hahaha cool like that

GG: cool like dave B)

EB: definitely

EB: anyway im gonna go, stuff to do like homework, ya know

GG: oh okay, see you later!

EB: bye

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 15:11

John closes PesterChum and leans back in his chair, resting his eyes for a while.

When he was a child he would have cried, but he is far past childhood. He is a teenager, meaning he is expected to act as an adult but is treated like a kid. That's just how it goes.

His father is gone and he played the most dangerous game that exists. He won yet things are even worse than before. His father is gone and everyone besides him seems to be moving on to new things. The only thing he can do is the same thing every day.

How does everyone else find new things to do. Life is so dull and cruel. He thinks. Maybe I'm not even meant to be here. I could have died many times before. It would be better if I hadn't made it out alive. Dave, Rose, and Jade still would have won, the trolls would have won too and with less deaths, probably. Without me everything would be better for everyone, I mean why else would people be after me all the time.

The boy opens his eyes slowly and stares at the ceiling. Before I knows it tomorrow will be here and he'll have to face the same things and the same people all over again. And then again. And then again.

All that exists is never ending pain and suffering.

John stands up and stretches. There's no way he's doing any homework today. Something is going to break the vicious cycle.

He walks to the bathroom and looks in the mirror. The usual John Egbert stares back at him. His insides feel empty. Now he knows what it feels like to be hollow.

Lonely. Empty. Sad. The feelings that make up the hollow emotion described as "unfeeling".

John jumps up on the side of the counter, sitting on the edge. He takes a deep breath, watching in the mirror as his clone does the same. His eyes wander around the same old bathroom as always. Shampoo bottles are on the floor next to the bath. The bar of soap had fallen off the soap dish once again, leaving it goopy under the dripping bath faucet. His father's shaving tools are still there. He picks up the open can of Barbasol from the counter, wiping the crusted remnants of his dad's last shave off the nozzle. He puts the can back with a clack.

John lays against the wall, careful not to slip into the sink, and his hand rests on something next to the basin.

He lifts his hand up to reveal his father's razor. He picks it up and holds it up to the light. The silver blades glint as he twirls it between his fingers.

He replaces the razor in the corner of the counter, jumping off the counter and making his way back to his room.

He grabs his blue jacket and PDA, then goes to the door, grabs his key off his backpack, and leaves with no place in mind.

A steady drizzle slowly begins to wet his hair. He puts up his hood and stores his PDA in the right pocket. The boy begins to walk down his front lawn and turns left towards town. It's a bit of a walk but he has quite a bit to think about.

John eventually gets to the first store in town. He sighs and looks up, droplets of rain landing on his glasses lenses.

What am I supposed to do.

Someone bumps into him at high speed, knocking him back on the wet pavement and knocking his hood down. The guy looks behind him, apologizes quickly, but keeps running.

John closes his eyes and just sat there in the rain.

What will I do later. What will people say tomorrow. There's nothing but pain left, what will I do.

He finally stands up, ready to go home without having done anything, when some teenagers in hoodies run by yelling insults at him.

"Hey dipshit, piss yourself?"

The boy stood there.

There's nothing to do.

He replaced his soaked hood, traipsing all the way back to his house. He had hoped anything else would have happened, but only bad luck for him.

The sky is orange from the setting sun when he re-enters his home. He kicks off his shoes and makes his way to the kitchen.

Opening the fridge, he takes out leftover frozen pizza from lunch. He stuck it in the microwave for a minute then sat down, checking his PesterChum on his PDA.

There was a new message from Rose.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist at 17:57

TT: Hello, John.

TT: Jade has informed me of your webcam's impending arrival. Please do reply as soon as possible.

EB: hi rose

TT: Hello, I was confirming that you will receive this package in a short amount of time?

EB: yeah thats what jade said

EB: shes getting it for my birthday even though thats a ways away

TT: Excellent. I am most eager for your installation of the technology.

TT: I also have recently installed a webcam to my desktop.

EB: really, thats cool. ill install it as soon as i get it

TT: I'll hold you to your word.

EB: great well the pizza is ready so ill see you later

TT: Yes, I must also be going. I will pester you soon.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:00

John slides the PDA across the table, retrieving his pizza from the microwave. He sits down and eats silently.

It's so quiet.

He finishes his dinner and throws the paper plate in the overflowing trashcan. He'll empty that later.

He returns to his room and flops on his bed, face in his pillow. Going to bed early today seems like the only thing to do.

I could do homework but it doesn't even matter anymore. It takes too much anyway. Tomorrow. Wednesday. This is gonna suck so hard. What do I do when there's nothing left. What do I do when they come after me. What do I do.

The emptiness eats him alive as he drifts into a welcoming world of darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter and remember have a very happy holdayyyyy! Mine hasn't been the best so far but it's okay :) I really hope you liked this and there'll be more soon after I update my other fic. So yeah, reviews are awesome and tell me whatcha think! 3
> 
> Also at the end of the fic I think I'm going to explain my viewpoint on this stuff like bullying, plus if you're reading this and you're feeling sad or alone then you can see my point of view (This is cuz every other fic like this does this stuff, so I feel like I have a duty to uphold). Anyone can always talk to me and PM me :3 I am always therrrrrre, I love chatting! Anyway see you next time!


	4. Lightning Strikes

John wakes up to his usual beeping alarm and reluctantly gets out of bed, slogging to the kitchen to eat. He never brushes his teeth in the morning, even though he forgot to brush yesterday night.

He reaches up to the top shelf of the pantry for the corn flakes. His fingers brush the side of the box. He stands taller on his toes, jumping slightly, to grab the box. More than once he has knocked the cereal all over himself. Luckily today wasn't one where this occurred.

Still half asleep, the boy goes through the normal 10-minute ritual of the morning. He finishes his cereal, throwing the bowl and spoon in the sink. He hurries to the door, grabs his backpack from the floor, and runs out and down the street, zipping up his bag as he goes.

As usual, John makes the bus by a mere few seconds. Breathing heavily, he finds his seat taken by a 11th grader, so he picks a random seat next to his neighbor, Sarah.

She ignores him, staring out the window with her earbuds in.

He sighs heavily, fumbling in his jacket pocket for his cheap mp3 player, replacing his confiscated iPod. Sticking the buds in his ears, he clicks the button to start his favorite song by his favorite band. Bleeding Out by Imagine Dragons. He has many favorites by them.

He closes his eyes, leaning back in his seat and getting lost in the music.

Before long, a kick to the ankle snaps him back to reality.

"Hey, get off the damn bus. We're at school," Sarah says angrily.

John stands up and waits in the line filing off the bus. When he steps off, the cold air sends shivers down his spine.

He walks through the front doors and heads downstairs to meet Willy on the stairwell. Willy always arrives minutes before the bell rings so the black-haired boy has 15 minutes to burn.

John sits against the wall in the corner of the landing, starting on his daily indulgence in his nail biting habit. He waits for his friend for what feels like hours and when the bell rings, he determines the boy had stayed home.

_Why does he get to stay home and I have to come to this Hellhole. I should take a day off some time- Wait no because then they'll need a note from a parent or doctor. They'd know I'm living alone._

He reluctantly picks himself up and pushes through the crowd to his first class, Biology. He listens to the teacher's introduction to the review sheet on cell division while doodling on the side of the paper. He always gets an A or a B on the test while only mildly paying attention. This angered most of his teachers but that's okay with him because everyone hates him anyway.

_Why why why why why why why._

John's morning classes crawl by at a snail's pace, finally bringing him to the Lunch bell. He swings his bag over one shoulder and exits the school rather than going to the usual lunch spot. He doesn't like hanging around by himself.

He walks through the wet grass of the rear field and comes to his secret spot, located behind the sports shed. Okay, not that secret but still, his solitary sanctuary of sorts.

Rummaging through his bag, he finds his stash of peanut butter crackers. They're somewhat smashed, but that doesn't change anything. He opens the package and shakes the crumbs into his hand, then pours them into his mouth.

John watches the little pieces slide around in the plastic, taking one every few minutes.

_Why am I so alone. What can I do. How can people be so care-free like Willy. Maybe I'm just the black sheep. What did I do that makes me so different?_

Digging his mp3 out of his pocket, he sticks the buds in his ears, drowning out the world with Radioactive. He closes his one downside of using Imagine Dragons as earplugs is that you don't hear the football players messing around in the shed, and you don't hear when they find you sitting in their territory.

A football to the head snaps John out of his trance with full force. A bulky football player looms over him, laughing with the other players, joining him.

John scrambles up, collecting his things and preparing to abscond.

"Where ya going, don't wanna play?" The first one sneers, laughing stupidly with the others.

"Even pussies can play football, look," Another says loudly, throwing another ball that narrowly misses the small boy's face.

Adrenaline surges through him as the players close in on him. He makes one last attempt to escape through the small opening between the two largest guys, but it was quickly blocked off. He's trapped.

"Don't be scared, little faggot, we just wanna hang out," One says, pushing John into the to the ground.

He protects his face as best he can with his arms and brings is knees up to cover his stomach. Kicks from all directions shoot pain through him. He squeezes his eyes shut, begging in his head for it to end.

"Come on let's go," John hears one of them say and the kicks slow down.

One last hard kick to the head leaves him fighting for consciousness. He listens to the grass rustle as the bullies walk away. He doesn't move for minutes until he realizes they might come back if he doesn't leave.

He shakily picks himself up and collects his things as fast as he can, which isn't considerably fast, then stumbles back toward the school.

Everything aches and his head is throbbing. Dizziness doesn't help support his weak legs as he hesitates before opening the door.

_I can't go to class and I can't skip. I seriously don't want to go to the nurse but I don't want to start any worse trouble._

He pulls the door open with some effort and staggers to the nurse's office as inconspicuously as possible.

The nurse is sitting at her desk, talking on the phone. "Yes, that's right. Just do that until the swelling goes down."

She catches sight of John a few seconds after he stops in the doorway.

"I'm going to have to call you back later," She says hanging up the gray phone. "What happened to you, sweetie? What's your name?"

"John," He said, avoiding the first question.

She cocked an eyebrow. "Last name?"

"Egbert," He shuffled up to the desk, seeing the nurse's name on the plaque, Ms. Valarie Daniels.

"Well John, you can call me Ms. Valarie. Or Ms. Daniels, whichever you like." She said, taking out a thin binder and leafing through a few pages. "Maybe after you lie down, you'll tell me what happened to you, hm?"

She writes something in, closes the binder, and stands up. She helps the tenuous boy to one of the green cots where he lies down, paper cover loudly crunching, and closes his eyes.

"Now why don't you tell me at least something about what happened," Ms. Valarie says softly, standing nearby.

Not opening his eyes, John slowly shakes his head.

Ms. Valarie sighs. "Well considering how shaky you were and all those bruises, I think you should go home. Do you want to call your mom or dad?"

John's eyes shoot open. "No, I can stay, I'm fine."

She's taken aback. "I don't think that would be a good idea, sweetie. Why don't you want to go home?"

"I like school," John says hesitantly.

Ms. Valarie looks at him skeptically. "Not many kids I know like school."

"I know, I'm just weird like that. I'm really weird." He says, looking anywhere but at the school nurse.

"You aren't weird just because you enjoy something," She said sweetly. "Whatever happened, it's okay. I won't make you go home, but we'll wait for you to go back to class. I can't just let you stay in here the whole time."

She looked sideways, crossing her arms and speaking in an annoyed tone. "I already let someone do that much too often. I might get fired eventually."

John didn't spare a glance as the nurse returned to her desk. He worked to clear his mind of any thoughts and maybe get to sleep, but a quiet voice came from the front of the room.

Opening one eye, John sees Ms. Valarie stand up and make her way over to the short boy dressed in all black. His hair is long, black and dry-looking, hanging so you could barely see his eyes. He wore a black jacket over a plain black T-shirt with grey jeans. Chains hung from his pockets and jingled as he ignored the angry-looking nurse, striding towards John.

The bespectacled boy quickly closes his eye again and pretends to sleep as Ms. Valarie attempts to shoo the unfamiliar classmate out of the room.

"I told you a million times, Tyler, don't come here without a reason ever! You come here all the time and it's not okay! If I let you stay here all the time, missing class, I could be fired," The woman hisses, gently pushing the new dark-haired boy back towards the door.

"It's lunchtime anyway, you're lucky I'm coming here now. Why can't I just hang out here, I won't bother you," Tyler says in his seemingly usual quiet and bored tone.

"Kids who are actually sick have to come here, and they could get you sick too," She reasoned.

"I seriously don't care. I just want to fucking sit here, God," He snaps.

"Will you watch your mouth at least at school! Haven't I told you that? I'll take away that precious iPod of yours," She threatens.

"If you take it away you know what will happen," He said nonchalantly, traipsing over to the cot across from John and sitting down.

John hears the paper crinkle loudly and gives up on resting. He stares at the speckled ceiling, listening to the two as they bicker.

_For God's sake, what the fuck._

"I'm your mother and you will do as I say, now get going before I refer you to the office," Ms. Valarie said authoritively, pointing a finger to the door.

The small boy laughed. "Don't you think you're all high and mighty today. Let me tell you that's not going to work. Ever. You don't control me like that. Maybe if you weren't such an idiot I would listen a bit more."

She speaks again, now in a loud, angry and offended tone. "Well maybe if you were less of a brat all the time I would be nicer and possibly let you stay here at lunch, but no you decide to waltz right in here and bother me at work! Look, I have someone to take care of and we are disturbing him, at least be considerate of others! Isn't that what you want from everyone else? You don't realise you are the problem too."

Tyler ignores her and lies down, popping his earbuds in.

The nurse lets out a frusterated breath and grumbles to herself as she sits back at her desk in a huff.

John rolls over facing the back wall coming after the other row of beds. He stares blankly at it, thinking about what to do.

_What if I go back to class, would that be okay? I mean my head hurts, well actually everything hurts, but that's okay, I'm not gonna die right?_

A tap on the shoe alerts John of the other boy's presense.

"What the fuck happened to you," He whispers, barely audible over the clacking key strokes of Ms. Valarie's vigorous typing. She's facing her computer with her back to the two boys.

John sighs then answers quietly. "Nothing."

"Look, I've gotten beaten up before it's not like you have to hide it," Tyler says in a hushed tone, rolling his eyes.

"That's not really what happened, and anyway I don't even care," John says fixing his gaze on the back wall.

"Oh really, well ya' know what I do when I don't give a shit? When nobody gives a shit?" The dark clothed boy asked in a whisper. "You do this."

He pulls up a thick sleave revealing scars halfway up to his elbow. "It works fucking wonders."

John stares at the lines until Tyler recovers the wounds. The blue-eyed boy slowly looks up at the one standing over him. He looks like a shadow. A painless, care-free shadow. He pauses then speaks softly. "Really?"

"Yeah," Tyler creeps to the cot directly next to John's. "Just take anything sharp and-" He takes his index finger and sharply flicks it over his wrist.

"What if someone finds out," John says dubiously.

Tyler shrugs. "They don't. Nobody does, that would suck and they didn't care in the first place so-" He shrugs again.

"I guess," John says, sitting up slowly and adjusting his rectangular glasses. His body protests, making his muscles ache and reminding him painfully of his throbbing headache. He slides back, resting his back on the side wall.

The other boy goes back to listening to music leaving John to drown in his thoughts once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated this one twice in a row so y'all who like this one better be happyyyyyy! To the others wellllll I'm so sorry bros :[ I'll go as fast as I can :3
> 
> Also, if you hadn't caught on, the italics are John's thoughts :P
> 
> So thanks for reading again, as always leave comments, suggestions, etc. in the reviews or PM me. I love reviews guys, I do a looooot! Thank you byeeeeeeeeee! :D


	5. Tornado Watch

John eventually accepted the nurse's request to send him home early. He didn't want to just sit there all day, then what would he do on the bus? He had pretended to talk to his dad when he got the answering machine. He then told her that he would wait for his dad at the front door. It was a stretch, but she believed it.

He had taken an hour to stagger home along the road and finally fumbled with the doorknob and the key before getting in, throwing his backpack to the side.

Now he trudges upstairs to his room and flops face down on the bed. After another exhausting day, he doesn't want to get up ever again.

He lays there, not minding time, with his eyes closed. He breaths deeply, relaxing on the soft quilt. When he finally opens his eyes, he finds the room an orange color. Out the window, a tangerine sunset blazes. John's eyes adjust to the light as he squints and adjusts his glasses. He slowly gets up, realizing he hadn't eaten since lunch and it was now 5:30. He steps down each step, placing both feet on each step with his hands shoved in his pockets.

He reaches the living room and heads for the kitchen, intending to make some microwave meal from the freezer.

Brushing past the table, John lazily pulls open the freezer, his eyes scanning up and down the icy shelves. He spies the last package of macaroni and cheese then takes it out, closing the door and flipping the box over to read it. He rips open the box and pulls the container out, placing both on the counter.

_1\. Cut slit in film cover. Microwave on high for 3 to 3 1/2 minutes._

Cut slit in film cover. Cut slit. Cut.

John opens the knife drawer below the counter and picks a smooth blade. He remembers the boy from the nurse's office as he ever-so slowly brings the knife down over the film and cuts smoothly across. He brings it back up and examines it.

The little light coming in from the window above the sink reflects off the shining grey surface.

_How easy would it be to just cut right here. What if it does help._

He brings the knife up close to the pale flesh of his wrist. His hands are unsteady in the sickening silence.

_I would do anything..._

A sudden beep from the PDA on the table startles the boy and he turns around. Slowly walking over, he finds a message displayed on the lit screen.

_CG: JOHN_

Another beep.

_CG: ASSHOLE_

John gives an exasperated sigh and throws the knife in the sink behind him.

He picks up the device and views the chatlog.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 17:47

CG: JOHN

CG: ASSHOLE

EB: what

CG: TROLLIAN IS BEING A USELESS SHITSTAIN, WE ALL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT

EB: okay, meaning?

CG: NO ONE HAS REALLY TALKED TO YOU GUYS MUCH BECAUSE TROLLIAN IS GLITCHING AND WE CANT FIX IT

EB: oh

EB: okay then

CG: YEAH, IT ONLY LETS US TALK TO YOU AT RANDOM TIMES

EB: thats weird

CG: AND THE VIEW THING HASN'T BEEN WORKING BUT WE CAN CLICK IT NOW

CG: ITS SERIOUSLY WEIRD

CG: ITLL COME UP BUT IT DOESNT SHOW ANYTHING EXCEPT STATIC

CG: HELLO

EB: yeah

CG: SO YEAH I GUESS

EB: okay

CG: OKAY THEN SEE YOU I GUESS?

EB: yeah

EB: bye

CG: HEY EGBERT

EB: what

CG: WHY ARENT YOU TALKING A LOT

EB: oh i would have thought you would appreciate it haha :B

CG: I GUESS

CG: SEE YOU LATER THEN

EB: bye

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:00

Another sigh escapes John's lips as he sets the PDA back on the table and turns back to his thawing food. He slides the container in the microwave and sets it for three minutes.

These cheap things never taste good and his appetite is largely diminished. Although he finds it a little refreshing to talk to Karkat after so long, it still doesn't fix anything and it still doesn't make him feel much better. School is still tomorrow. People are still going to be there tomorrow. He knows what's going to happen tomorrow and it won't be anything good. He doesn't want tomorrow to come.

Then again, today wasn't good either. In fact, it was very bad. The whole week has been bad.

The microwave beeps and John sluggishly shakes his head while removing the food and grabbing a fork. He doesn't care enough to finish cooking the food.

It's cold but he doesn't care. He isn't hungry anymore anyway. Actually, he doesn't even want to eat this either. He hates to waste food so he pushes it in the near-empty fridge before returning to his room and climbing in bed.

He doesn't want tomorrow to come but he doesn't want today to stay. He can't stop time and he can't erase memories. He's stuck. He's stuck and it sucks.

He rolls over, shoving his face in the pillow. He doesn't care anymore and falls asleep, hollow and numb.

John's eyes fly open, finding himself in a cold sweat, safe in bed. He always hated nightmares. This is a great start to his day.

A shiver runs down his spine as he throws off his blanket, letting the cold air chill his skin to the bone. He pulls himself up into a sitting position and looks at the clock. 6:40AM.

He jumps up and runs to brush his teeth, if he isn't at the stop by 6:45 he'll miss the bus. He rushes straight for the door, snatching up his backpack and closing the door behind him as he runs across the yard then down the street. He makes it to the corner stop just as the bus pulls up.

Short of breath, he climbs on the bus behind Sarah and plops down next to someone he doesn't know.

John silently thanks any God out there that he isn't harassed first thing in the morning on the bus, even though the lack of seats puts an immediate damper on the day. He stares out the window, not bothering to take out the music player, just watching the town go by. He warms up slowly from the outdoor winter chill and eventually catches his breath before arriving at school.

He sits next to a perky Willy at their usual spot, listening to music in silence. They didn't talk much on a normal day and even then it was mostly Willy ranting and John nodding quietly. John just was never a talker when it came to school. Talking is conspicuous and that is something John doesn't want to be.

The bell rings and they get up, going separate ways. John sighs and keeps to himself, ignoring the bruises he feels all over and arriving at his first class.

Going to second period, black hair in the crowd catches John's eye and he watches the black-haired boy pass. It's the boy from yesterday. A pang runs through the blue-eyed boy as their eyes meet for a second.

John watches the tiles pass by with each step on his way to his next class as he does every day.

In second period Biology, everyone would totally be happy to know that people decided it would be cool to throw crayons at John's head. On impact, John's head shoots up and he looks around the room for the source. Glaring at the empty desk in front of him, he rests his chin on his book. Another object hits him and he keeps his gaze locked ahead. He ignores the continued array of crayons as best he can.

_Why does this happen to me?_

The bell rings shortly after and John regrets leaving his PDA on the table at home. A chat with Jade may have lightened his mood a little before third period. He sighs, picking up his books and drags his feet to his next class, PE. The teacher had informed them recently that there would be a Yoga unit starting in one week. John thinks this should be much easier than anything else. The current volleyball unit is really wearing him down. His team is the worst in the whole class, probably the whole grade. They always yell at him and make fun of him for not doing well, but they really don't even care enough to try at all themselves. Eventually he just gave up and stood there, letting them taunt him. It didn't make a difference, especially not anymore.

Everyone knows the teacher is just doing a Yoga unit because she just learned how to teach it. Overexcited educators, spaztastic classes.

He manages to get through the period only getting hit twice.

The day trickled by slowly and the last bell finally rings. John picks up his books and files out of the classroom. A wary eye keeps watch while he makes his way to his locker. Unfortunately, a watchful eye can't do much in the way of defense or surreptitious backpack retrieval.

A painfully familiar figure comes down the hall. Maybe one of the football players? He stops at John's locker which he just managed to unlock.

At first, John just looked up, holding the door open only a crack. He didn't particularly want the jerk in his locker. His face contorts into a wince as the jock smacks the locker door, smashing his right hand's fingers.

John opens his eyes cautiously just in time to be shoved against the other lockers.

"Move, and quit stinking up the hallway, pussy."

He stays as still as possible until he begins sliding to the floor. He stands upright and catches himself when he wobbles, leaning on the lockers. He rubs the back of his head and tries to blink away the tears. A searing headache makes itself evident as the boy gingerly opens his locker again, head bowed. He slaps a hand on his eyes when a tear falls on his glasses, despite his efforts to stay composed. The watery splotch spreads out along the rim as anger builds. He sniffs and squeezes his eyes shut before slamming a fist on a locker. A loud bang echos throughout the hallway.

_Why can't I be stronger? Why am I so wrong! I'm wrong, I'm wrong, I'm wrong!_

He stands there silently, breath hitching as more salty tears are suppressed with little to no success.

Suddenly John's head flies up as he realizes he's about to miss the bus. He grabs his blue backpack from the locker, slams it closed behind him, and runs like Hell. He almost drops his stuff multiple times, he's sure he dropped at least five papers. The first bus is just pulling out when he runs up to his, which luckily leaves second to last. The driver sees him just in time and he scrambles up the stairs just as the bus starts moving. His books, papers, and backpack are flung across the aisle as he's thrown onto his hands and knees. He gets up sheepishly and keeps his head low. People don't like him, they're looking at him. With those eyes. He's sure. He knows. He's weak, but not the most stupid person in the world.

_They hate me. I deserve it._

He hugs his retrieved belongings, after meticulously picking them up, and quietly sits down in the last seat. He feels the person's disdainful glare. He doesn't look. He stares at the ground, hair shielding his vision, but not his senses.

_I'm_ _**wrong** _ _._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the lack of Karkat, but it wasn't meant to be an automatic Karkat and John super romance thing, it'll be part of the resolution and stuff, I promise. Plus we're getting close to where he is introduced to the story so please bear with me, I'm sorry :(
> 
> Also I had to update my other fic so this is up later than was ideal so I apologize for that as well, please don't kill meeeeee!


	6. Trapped in the Vortex

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ A/N: Hello everybody ^_^ I think this is the first author's note for this particular fic, but I'm not sure. Anyway, this chapter is the only one that will have the actual self harm taking place, all the other times will be implied. PLEASE skip to UNDER THE DOTTED LINE if this would be triggering or extremely upsetting to you.
> 
> I also saw something on Tumblr about how people may be romanticizing disorders, self harm, illness, etc. I'm really sorry about that, that's not what I'm intending at all. This is meant to be more of an (eventually) heartwarming story. A story of living life, friendship, feelings, progress, and love. The love is not meant to stem from the pain, it is meant to bloom from the feelings and the care between the two characters. While I do not mean for anyone's feelings to be hurt, I will not stop writing things on this subject.
> 
> Additionally, I have alternated between plain italics and bolded italics in this chapter when John is thinking. This is so that it is easier to decipher. Sorry if it doesn't help or is counterproductive.
> 
> The last thing is that I'm very sorry that this took so long. It was a little difficult to write for obvious reasons. Thanks for reading and I hope you'll like this chapter like you seem to have enjoyed the fic so far. I did my best :3 ]

The last of the day's sun filters in through the kitchen window as John sets his PDA down on the counter, face relaxed at last, and heads upstairs. On the way to the stairs, he grabs supplies. Each stair creaks with every step.  
His two inner selves are fighting and it's loud, too loud. One of them is far too nice, the other one is logic.  
 _You're going through so much, how could anyone blame you for anything if they knew?_  
 _ **Shut up, how narcissistic are you, you fucking shitstain. You're an idiot because no one does know and it's your fault because you're too much of a fucking douche to tell anyone.**_  
 _It's not your fault, what could you have done?_  
 _ **Apparently a lot because the majority hates your guts and it can't just be for no reason. You are the unbelievably stupid minority. You can't judge your own self and this is how everyone else judged you.**_ _**They're right.**_  
 _That's not true! Don't be sad and self deprecating, you don't deserve that!_  
 _ **How much of a fucking ego do you have, asshole. Don't be self deprecating, that's true, and don't be a pathetic shitsack! Give up already!**_  
 _"Enough of this crap,"_ John thinks to himself. He knows it's all him. He's the one trying to convince himself that he isn't a useless piece of trash. But he's also the one who's not the most idiotic person ever, so he knows that logic is the less kind side of his thinking. He knows.  
The boy opens the door to his bathroom at the top of his stairs. He closes the door quietly and locks it behind him with a click. Putting the toilet seat down and sitting, he opens his formerly loosely-clenched fist to find what he expected. The makeshift razor he got out of his pencil sharpener. He sets it on the counter and arranges the paper towels and bit of peroxide as well. He takes the towels and rips off two long strips, laying them on the tile below his feet. He twists the cap of the peroxide open and wets a small section of a paper towel. Retrieving the sharp, he carefully swipes the wet towel across it and over the metal surface. Positioning the blade comfortably in his hand, he hovers above the clear bare skin of his thigh. It's clean. He is clean. But that's not true, he's dirty, and he's dirtying everything. He ruins everything, all his mistakes were his fault. Everything he does is always wrong and it's his fault. He is wrong.  
 _ **They hate you for a reason. You're WRONG. Your father is dead because of you, and look at everything you do! Just do it, pussy.**_  
John squeezes his eyes shut and bites his lip, gripping the blade harder.  
With each sharp intake of breath, he tenses, but it takes a bit of willpower to finally drag the blade across his skin. It isn't deep, but he winces as a slight sting jabs at his nerves. Go deeper, press harder. Tiny bubbles of red liquid form along the thin crimson line and John slices across once more. Pain shoots up his leg and he releases a small gasp. He doesn't know how but it feels good. Somehow there's a relaxing rush that fades as he finds a slightly deeper cut above the first one. Again. Deeper. Again. Deeper. It feels so good yet it's so grotesque and he knows it. _**You're a disgusting, selfish, failure and now look at what you're doing. This instead of killing yourself like you should, too bad you can't.**_  
He gives a sad smile and looks at the cold tile, chilled blade slipping out of pale fingers and hitting the ground with a faint clink.  
 _I know._

…

A loud buzz wakes the heir and he nearly smashes his glasses slapping his hand on the nightstand for them. He grasps them and slides them on to find his PDA lighting up.

_  
gardenGnostic [GG] created memo at 3:51

CG: HEY JOHN HUMAN  
GG: i thought we stopped with that a while ago  
CG: SORRY IF IM BRINGING BACK SWAG  
GG: dont do that  
CG: OKAY  
EB: what the fuck is going on  
GG: well basically we were wondering how you were doing!  
GG: we have to take advantage of the times when trollian is working  
CG: YEAH WHATEVER, SO THEN EGBERT  
CG: HOW ARE YOU  
EB: fine? whats going on  
EB: that was kind of creepy too just so you know  
GG: okay regardless of how creepy it is karkat was just asking how youre doing  
EB: like i said its cool :B  
CG: ALL GOOD IN THE HOOD  
EB: what  
GG: karkat stop  
CG: IM BEING WHAT COOL REALLY IS  
CG: ITS NOT MY FAULT THAT STRIDER FUCKER WORE IT OUT WITH HIS IDIOTIC HOOFBEAST SHIT  
GG: oh my god  
EB: alright whats wrong with karkat  
GG: he was watching all these random movies online  
GG: i think his husktop should be confiscated :l  
CG: HEY IM BEING CULTURALLY SENSITIVE YOU UNGRATEFUL SHITS  
GG: who cares! john for gods sake whats up already  
EB: like  
EB: school stuff?  
GG: sure if thats whats up yes  
CG: WHAT HAPPENS IN THE EARTH EDUCATION HIVES  
GG: karkat  
CG: DONT GET YOUR SHIT IN A BUNCH I DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING  
CG: LET EGBERT TALK, JADE, I THOUGHT WE WERE BEING COMPASSIONATE PEOPLE, POOR JOHN CANT EVEN SPEAK.  
EB: are you being especially karkat-ish today or is that just you being weird  
EB: could just be me i guess  
CG: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW  
CG: JUST TELL US SHIT SO WE CAN END THIS FUCKFEST MEMO. I FUCKING HATE MEMOS.  
GG: grr  
EB: okay, jesus! i was just saying that everythings fine and my school shit is going fine  
CG: THATS IT? ARE YOU SURE?  
EB: yeah!  
CG: WELL FUCK I GUESS ILL JUST GO BACK TO WHATEVER I WAS DOING BEFORE AND IGNORE HOW SUSPICIOUS YOU ARE  
EB: since when am i "suspicious"  
EB: also how would you even know what me being suspicious would be like  
EB: haha you cant even answer  
CG: SORRY I WAS REMEMBERING THE FUCKING MONSTROSITY THAT WAS OUR "FRIENDSHIP" ON THAT GOD DAMN METEOR. JUST ONE EXAMPLE WOULD BE THE TIME YOU WERE RUNNING AROUND WITH MY SICKLES IN THE TOASTER, THAT SHIT ENDED IN YOU FRYING THE TOASTER DESPITE ALL WARNING TO NOT PLUG IT IN. WHY DID WE EVEN HAVE A TOASTER NOBODY EVER USED IT FOR ANYTHING BUT UNECESSARY BULLSHIT  
EB: you were having none of my shit  
CG: NO I WASNT! OKAY I WAS JUST SAYING THAT WHEN YOU HAD THE TOASTER AND I ASKED YOU IF YOU HAD A POORLY HIDDEN TOASTING DEVICE BEHIND YOUR BACK, YOU SAID NO IN A WEIRDASS WAY. SO YEAH, SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOR HERE.  
EB: well sorry you feel that way or something  
GG: can i talk yet.  
EB: like you were actually bothering anyone before anyway  
GG: i know i was just angry at a certain someone for being an asshole!  
CG: FOR GODS SAKE I WAS TRYING TO LET JOHN TALK AND IT WASNT WORKING SO SORRY FOR THAT  
GG: okay whatever!  
CG: WHATEVER  
EB: i think ill go on that note haha, you guys are like little girls fighting or something  
CG: FUCKING NO  
GG: okay i guess  
EB: bye guys!

ectoBiologist [EB] stopped responding to memo at 4:17

GG: really  
CG: WHAT

Eyebrows furrowed, John sits up in bed with a disgruntled yawn. Off to another day of school.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, people! This was the prologue so it's obviously not totally into it yet but hopefully keep reading? I'm hoping to make this interesting. Also yes, the trolls do actually come in at some point, just hold your horses. AND I know I said I would do a suggestion for my next fic BUT I had this idea and I really wanted to do it so here it goes. I'll still get onto the other fics soon enough. Tell me what you think and stuff and stay tuuuuuned!


End file.
